Motorbike Waves

It kind of feels like it’s the same thing again. I’m lying on that surfboard in Portugal surrounded by my friends and a few instructors. One of the instructors with these gorgeous brown eyes is holding my board fast and looking me in the eyes. The waves are crashing against the shore further ahead. My body is trying to stay balanced on the board which is controlled by the motion of the waves beneath me. “WHY are you afraid?” the instructor demands to know from me.

Why am I afraid?

What does he mean ‘afraid’? “You get up on the board and you stand correctly. And then you jump off. What are you so afraid of? Falling off?” he asks with a grin.

Wait - I’m doing it right? “You panic and jump off. Why don’t you believe in yourself?” he continues. Holy shit, this surf class has turned into a therapy session where I’m being psychoanalyzed by a Portuguese demi-god looking man. “I don’t know.” is all I can answer lying there on the board. Maybe I jump off the board because I get scared. But what am I scared of? It seems so unfathomably stupid to do something right and then be scared and mess it up. Because he says I’m doing the right thing. I stand up, I find my balance, I’m riding that damn wave and a split second later I choose the dive into the water instead of just surfing. Maybe it is because I don’t believe in myself. Whenever I doubt myself I crash. Maybe surfing can teach me something fundamental about myself I’ve never recognized. Because it’s happening again. But now it’s on a motorbike. My driving instructor is sitting across from me. I’ve had my second crash and we need to talk about it. He’s asking me how I feel about the whole thing. I tell him I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that I sometimes panic and make all the wrong decisions in a split second. I did the same when learning how to drive a car and it didn’t change until I started pretending I was always on my own when driving. I drive so much better alone. I do a lot of things better when I’m on my own. I wonder if I’d caught more waves on my own too. He’s telling me not to be afraid of riding a motorbike but to just respect it. Same way my dad said you shouldn’t be afraid of fire, you should just respect in order to control it. I don’t know what has led me to being the sort of person who panics and makes all the wrong decisions in a split second. I’d have to pay someone to dig my brain for that. I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here with it. How to overcome and tackle it. How to build my confidence whether it be in regards to riding a motorbike or a wave.