Jasper The Unlucky Kangaroo

Once upon a time there was an incredibly unfortunate kangaroo named Jasper. Jasper had been born under an unlucky Australian star and ill fortune followed him whereever he went. His first misfortune was when he was nothing but a wee 'roo, not even big enough to be called a kanga-roo yet, and he was still in his mamma's pouch. It was late at night and his mamma decided to cross a road many miles north of Adelaide. But his mamma chose to cross at the wrong place and the wrong time and before she could jump away a huge truck driven by a drunk driver named Ian (who was pretty upset his wife had just left him, hence the drinking) appeared and smashed right into her. She was left on the side of the road as Ian escaped the crime scene, tears in his eyes and Celine Dion blasting from his stereo. "Live for the one I love..." he said, "what complete bullshit." Ian's truck had long disappeared into heart of Oz when daylight broke and a ranger happened to stumble on Jasper's mamma's dead body. Now this ranger, named Brook, had been volunteering at a sanctuary for kangaroos when he was younger, so he knew how to spot a pregnant kangaroo very well. And his eyes didn't fail him this time either. He cut Jasper's mamma open and swaddled little Jasper in a towel. Brook went to his car with little Jasper in his arms. Brook had his dog, Clara with him. Clara was usually a well behaven medium-sized dog, but seeing Jasper in Brook's arms made her mad with jealousy, so when Jasper leaned down to let her sniff Jasper she bit Jasper in his tiny ear which left him with two tiny holes that later lead to him being bullied at the kangaroo sanctuary that Brook brought him to near Darwin the next day. Once he was at the sanctuary he was bottlefed, but he soon developed lactose intolerance and almost didn't make it through the early stages of his childhood. Jasper was therefore always a small kangaroo, because he'd been malnourished as a little roo. Nobody ever thought much of Jasper and when he tried to play with the other kangaroos they usually just placed their big feet on his small, fragile body and used him to bounce sideways resulting in Jasper flying the opposite ways and quite often landing on the angry, old wombat who had a problem with controlling his bladder. When Jasper was old enough a few volunteers at the sanctuary took him in their car to release him and three other kangaroos into the wild again. On the way in the outback they hit an old landmine left by the Japanese and the explosion sent the four kangaroos off in each their direction. Jasper flew all the way to Victoria, where we all know, they have a more temperate climate than the rest of Australia. He landed on his feet and sprained his ankle. Limping his way through unfamilar, forrest filled landscape he fought off a huge bird who tried to eat him. He wrestled a delirious possum and after 56 days in the wilderness that constantly tried to kill him he poked out the eyes of a crocodile in a frenzy. One day he arrived at a meadow. Exhausted by what life had thrown at him, he fell onto his back and looked up at the sky. He looked down his little kangaroo arm and at the tattoo he'd got in 3rd grade that said: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." He started crying. He didn't even know what the fuck lemonade was. He'd never had it. He was a kangaroo for crying out loud. And cry out loud he did. When he was done crying he let his head fall to the side and looked longingly for the edge of the Earth so he could throw himself over it and end it all. That was when it happened. A sun beamed crawled across the meadow and stopped right where Jasper was looking. A little four-leave clover stood in the middle of all the ordinary grass and twinkled at him. He slowly forced his aching body to sit up and dragged his body towards the clover. As he sat there bathed in sun in front of the clover he felt as if this was meant to be. All his life had lead to this moment and to this clover. The clover was his. It belonged to him. But he also belonged to it. It felt very meta, but Jasper liked it. He picked the clover up and studied it. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The drunk driver Ian, the mad dog Clara, the insane possum and all the other bad things seemed to disappear from his memory as he looked at the little clover. For some reason he put it in his mouth and chewed on it. He somehow knew the clover had to be a part of him as if his digestive system and the clover would work magic together like some people claim acai bowls do. As the clover hit his tummy he felt a warm glow spread throughout his body and all pain had disappeared. He smiled and jumped gleefully. It had been a magic clover after all! What a time to be alive! Things were finally going to change for him, he thought. But he thought it too soon. Delirious from fighting for his life for 56 days straight, Jasper's vision had deteriorated drastically leaving him with severely impaired vision. Therefore, Jasper had accidentally picked the deathly leaf of grass next to the magic clover. Jasper felt his throat tighten and as he drew his last breath he thought "Fuck this. So hard. Like seriously."