A Modern Relationship

Steve is a middle aged man who recently got a job at a restaurant, because his fax machine start up failed. Steve really believed fax machines were making a come back but really - they weren't. He has been hired by his brother in law who took pity on him and who manages the restaurant Steve now works at. At the restaurant works many millennials, whose values, attitudes and behaviour confuses Steve profoundly. At one point Steve is told to shadow the young waiter Lucas who is dating Sarah, an often-offended, avocado-loving young woman, who is also waitressing at the same restaurant.

Lucas: Oh, hey man.

Steve: So, I’m going to shadow you. Is that okay? Sarah kind of freaked out when I shadowed her.

Lucas: Oh, yeah, that’s cool, man.

Steve: So, what tables are yours?

Lucas: Not sure, man. I’m just going with the flow, you know. Trying to feel the energy in here.

Steve: Are you serious?

Lucas: I’m never serious, man. It makes me frown and messes up the work my moisturizer does overnight, you know.

Steve: Are you still serious?

Lucas: I just told you I was never serious, man. Man, you got to relax. Let’s go for a cig break. I’m not feeling the vibe right now. Robert’s hiding in the office anyway.

Steve: Are you sure we can do that?

Lucas: Man, you got to live a little. Come on, the women will take care of the restaurant.

(They go outside. Lucas lights a cigarette.)

Steve: Is that weed?!

Lucas: Dude, you’re like from the 60s right? Weren’t you basically raised on these herbs?

Steve: What, no, Lucas. My parents were very conservative.

Lucas: See you got to break free from all of that, Stu.

Steve: Steve. My name is Steve.

Lucas: Exactly.

Steve: What?

Lucas: What?

Steve: Never mind.

Lucas: You should always mind, man.

Steve: I really think you should stop smoking, Lucas.

Sarah (joins them): And I think we’re all entitled to our own opinion, Steve. (Turns to Lucas.) Baby, I just wanted to say I took care of your customers for you. (Lucas passes her his joint and lets her have a puff.)

Lucas: As you should, babe.

(Sarah smiles and walks back into the restaurant.)

Steve: Why does she let you treat her like that? She’s your girlfriend!

Lucas: Oh, man. She’s not my girlfriend. Nobody really dates anymore, you know. Like, I would be angry if she hooked up with anybody else, but we’re not together, you know.

Steve: No, I don’t know. It sounds like you’re dating.

Lucas: We’re not.

Steve: But you can’t have… I mean, be with others?

Lucas: Exactly, man. No strings attached.

Steve: Sounds like there are some strings attached, Lucas.

Lucas: There aren’t.

Steve: Except for one.

Lucas: Nuh-uh.

(Pause.)

Lucas: And also, we’re breaking up in two months.

Steve: What? You planned your break-up?

Lucas: Yes, she’s going traveling, man. And I want to stay and do a Masters of Economics.

Steve: You? You’re studying Economics?

Lucas: Yeah? Is that weird?

Steve: Not as weird as planning a break-up. So, you’re dating with a deadline?

Lucas: Dating with a deadline. Might use that at my next poetry slam. Thanks, man. But dude, I told you… we’re not dating.

Steve: But is that not a form of self-destructive behavior? Knowing it’s going to end?

Lucas: It’s less pressure, man. No commitment, hakuna ma-relationship, and all that (Laughs. A pause.) Except it’s not a relationship, of course.

Steve (sighs): Let me ask you something. Do you see each other a lot?

Lucas: Yeah, man. We live together.

Steve: Wait, what?

Lucas: We bought a dog last week.

Steve: You bought a dog?

Lucas: Yeah, man. We’ve kept our Tamagotchis alive for more than a month, so we thought we were ready to take care of a real animal, you know. Our Tamagotchis died after we got the dog though.

Steve: Lucas, it sounds like you’re in a committed relationship.

Lucas: Nah, man. We’re both still on Tinder. No strings, as I said.

Steve: What’s Tinder?

Lucas: Oh man. You’re so old! It’s a dating app, where you create a profile and then you go through other people’s profiles and if you like them you swipe right and if not, you swipe them left. And if you match, you hump.

Steve: That sounds really superficial.

Lucas: Life is superficial, Steve. But you can write a little text about yourself on your Tinder profile if you want. Let people know how successful you are.

Steve: So, you just swipe through people?

Lucas: Tell me, Steve. Don’t you do the same when you go to a bar?

Steve: Swipe people left or right?

Lucas (laughs): No, man. In your mind. Don’t you scan the room for the pretty ladies? We’re always swiping in our minds, bro. (Points to his head.)

Steve: Still, Lucas. In my book, you’re dating.

Lucas: Oh, man. Such an old-fashioned view. You gotta expand your mind, you know. Sarah and I are just trying to defy the norm. Also, we’re only working in hospitality sarcastically.

Steve: How do you work sarcastically?

Lucas: I mean, this is not who we are.

Steve: Who are you then?

Lucas: I’m Lucas, man. (Laughs.) Enough secondhand smoking for you, my man.

(Lucas puts out his joint and saves the last half.)

Lucas: Oh man, you have so much to learn. (Pats Steve on the back. They go back into the restaurant.)